November 23, 2021
It has been a while since I have started this blog thing. I still have no idea what I am doing and have only been waiting about a year for my oldest son to help me format, or whatever you call it so that it works the way I want it to. I’ll keep on waiting because that’s what mama’s do… So what brings me here today, my sister. Her constant encouragement and support. She is why I am back at it, giving an update. Thank you sis!
The world has changed so much for everyone over the last two years. Covid. Need I say more? Being a nurse working through covid has been interesting, to say the least. I have seen people at their worst, but more impressive… I have seen them at their best. It’s easy to be at your worst during a pandemic, especially when you are exhausted and overworked, depressed and lonely. Who the hell wants to smile?? Not that anyone could see a smile anymore. Those damn masks turned familiar faces into strangers. New staff would start and I would never see their smile… let’s be real though, glad about that sometimes. Weeks would go by and I would be lucky enough to sit down and have a lunch break in the break room that was only allowed to have five people in at once now. There would be someone I didn’t know but had been working with and I had no idea who they were because of the mask. The only thing I was seeing was tired eyes behind face shields. They all started to look the same. Even I wasn’t smiling as much as I had before covid hit us. I had been at my worst and grew comfortable there. Although I had my own challenges outside of work that contributed, I had tried to not let that ever be shown to my patients. Patients who were at their worst, alone and scared. Nurses taking on much bigger roles, therapists, punching bags, waitresses, respiratory therapists, mediators, robots. Suddenly we were expected to be able to care for more patients than physically possible, not only the number of patients but the acuity also much worse. It was like a real-life Hunger Games. Staff attacking staffing for not providing enough staff, attacking each other for having to live through this. Suddenly having new grads with minimal clinical experience, trying to teach what should have already been mastered, all the while orienting with an overwhelming assignment and being asked… “Can you stay for an extra four hours?” You wanted to laugh, but really, they had to ask in hopes that someone wasn’t quite burned out yet and would stay. Enough with that…
Just about eight months ago I hurt my back at work. I shook it off and went about the rest of my shift. The pain worsened over the following days and I went to urgent care. I worked for another two months before being pulled out of work. Six months. Six really long months. Three weeks ago I had a steroid injection in my neck which decreased the pain in my left arm substantially. Finally getting somewhere. Next up, a muscle relaxer for my spasms in my lower back. I do have a herniated disk but hopeful no surgical intervention will be needed. Why write about this? I had just started a new job, still within Rochester Regional. I think I may have worked eight shifts. The office staff does not know me and I haven’t really heard much from my old coworkers. I tried reaching out, I stopped reaching out. It has been depressing and frustrating. I have pain every stinking day. I have tried to stay positive, and I believe most people probably think I’m living my best life. Because I smile. This brings me back to my sister. She has been the one that has seen below the surface, as much as I am willing to allow to be seen. So this ridiculous, all over the place ramble… you can thank my sister!!
November 24, 2019
As I attempt to ignite this blog of mine, I find myself getting caught up in twenty thousand others ventures.. most reckless distractions, some (very few) beneficial. I have to admit that my smile has slipped a bit… likely not enough for anyone to see that it has. Which just by stating that throws my thoughts to another avenue, how oblivious are we to the people around us?? I have been employed at the same hospital for six years… I could be on the brink of an utter break down and I really don’t believe that the people I work with would recognize it coming. At the same time, I could walk into a patient’s room that I had been providing care for a few days and they or a family member will see the change immediately. Is it because it is easier to focus on others when it is a distraction or do we become blind to the regular surroundings?
Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I will be working. I have worked every Thanksgiving for the last five years. After work I will rush off to my sisters’ house with my boys and celebrate with them. I love this. I’ll do a little online shopping.. for kitty litter (don’t judge, I have three cats that poop a lot). I’ll debate on heading out into the Black Friday frenzy.. but as my boys have gotten older, I don’t have to chase after that most wanted toy or electronic. A blessing I suppose. I still enjoy looking through the ads, brings about a sort of excitement. Getting caught up in the insane high of trying to get “the deal” of the year. Hysterical really… Then I will head back to work on Saturday.. and work for the next four days. Occasionally allowing myself to feel as though I missing out as I scroll through Facebook and see the deals I missed. The long lines, some outside in the cold.. how is it that we would feel like we were missing out on that? What about that couple cuddled up on the couch in front of a warm fire, watching a movie.. I’m missing out on that.
So tomorrow I will follow through with commitments I have made… I will be on my floor tomorrow, but I promised patients that I would come visit them, though I only spent one shift with them on Tuesday, when I floated to another floor. They will be anticipating my obnoxious smile walking in to say hello. They are in fact strangers to me. Yet I have learned the impact a quick visit to them will make. I will likely walk in flapping my arms like a turkey saying.. gobble gobble. They will smile. For a short moment, they will forget they are in the hospital.
I guess this ramble is my emotions vomiting prior tho the over-indulgence of the holiday. I have just reminded myself of another thing I am extremely grateful for, my patients. Maybe all the crazy in my head as of late was trying to get me to see what is right in front of me. Let this be a reminder…
The Adventures of Bekah 